Have you ever broken up with someone, knowing it was the right thing to do, but still felt sad? Or changed jobs or moved knowing that so many good things are there for you, but still missing what you left behind?
Of course you have. Maybe you’ve dropped your first child at kindergarten or your baby at college and had a whirlwind of feelings: the sadness of a changing family dynamic, the heartache of parting, the uncertainty that lies ahead for them, pride at the milestone and seeing your child become more independent.
Now, let’s say I asked you to rate your feelings on a scale of one to ten. You’d probably laugh and tell me it’s impossible. Which emotion? You’re feeling so many of them.
So often, we label our emotions as either good or bad, rarely both. We see a bear in the woods and experience fear. Bad. We snuggle with a loved one and feel warmth and love. Good. But look at emotions like nostalgia and awe. They’re positive and negative at the same time.
For a long time, I’ve encouraged clients to acknowledge all their feelings. We can be angry that our parents didn’t love us exactly the way we needed them to while still realizing our parents did their best. We can rejoice in our freedom after a painful breakup and still feel an almost unbearable sadness. We can be so angry with someone that we need to walk away and take a break for a while and still love them.
It’s important to not choose one feeling over another. We do ourselves no favors by saying Being mad is negative and does me no good, so I’ll focus on the love. Being angry does indeed do us good. It shows us how we need to change. It empowers us. It points us to the boundaries we need to set.
I’m not talking about getting caught up in the emotion. Don’t start throwing things.
But when we observe our feelings with objectivity and curiosity, we develop emotional intelligence. This helps us not only deal with others with more sympathy, but, maybe more importantly, show ourselves more compassion.