I went to my forty-fifth high school class reunion a couple of years ago. All the men looked pretty much the same— gray hair and a little less of it, a little more weight, some wrinkles, and glasses. Thank God they were wearing name tags. The women, on the other hand, did not look alike. Hair color ranged from natural gray to dyed blond and brown. Some faces had a few wrinkles, some looked like you could, as my friend Cheryl said, bounce a nickel off them.

We tell ourselves and each other that we’re enough. That we’re worthy. How much of that are we believing when we’re constantly trying to look younger than we are?

Even if we don’t spend money on Botox or fillers, how many of us shell out money for expensive face creams, dark-spot correctors, retinol, and anything with hyaluronic acid or some other exotic ingredient. Does hemp really have stem cells?

I still write letters to a friend I met in college. Last year, she retired from a high-level position at the National Institutes of Health. She bikes at least a hundred miles a week. She’s happily married. She’s socially active. She has hobbies. She recently wrote that she’s going to start using a retinol cream.

I want to know why.

She’s not applying for a job. She’s not looking for a lover. Why does she feel she needs to try to stop time in its tracks?

What makes her, us, feel like we’re not perfect as we are?

We all know the answer to that. Television, movies, and society value youth, especially in women. We lose relevance faster than men. I’m at the age where medical professionals see my birth year and ask if I need help filling out forms online. They pause longer when speaking to me, as if I’m going to tell them a story about what my cat did that morning.

I don’t hear men my age reporting the same experiences.

If we truly are enough, if we are really worthy, if we are perfect as we are, it’s time to stop trying to be someone else, someone who looks twenty years younger.

It’s time we women stopped lying to ourselves about our worth, especially as we grow older.

I was meditating by the Milwaukee River in Estabrook Park years ago. Two men walked by on the path just above me. They were gossiping and one of them said, “He’s as dumb as a bag of hammers. And I’m not talking about a particularly smart bag of hammers.”

As Thornton Wilder once said, “There’s nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head.”

We’re all so disconnected lately. I can’t talk to my husband when we’re on a plane or in an Uber because he has his AirPods in his ears. Some days I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have AirPods in my ears. Does anyone eavesdrop anymore?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s something to be said for not being forced to listen to two people having what seems like the world’s most boring conversation. On the other hand, we increase our capacity for empathy when we hear a parent trying to soothe a fussy child on a seven-hour flight. Or when we listen to two teenagers in the backseat who have forgotten that our ears are a few feet away.

The Hanged Man tarot card is about getting a new perspective. The best way to do that is to realize that other people’s lives work differently than our own. They have different priorities, dreams, and intentions. We think we’ve honed the perfect system for paying bills, doing laundry, driving to work, or whatever it is. When we take the time to see that others also think they have a pretty good system, it gives us something to chew on.

I like to believe I’m efficient. I think I would have made an excellent efficiency engineer. My husband recently saw me put on my footwear and asked if I was human because I do the left foot’s sock and shoe, then the right foot’s sock and shoe. “Who does that?” he asked. A few months ago, I saw that he wets his toothbrush before putting on the toothpaste. Genius! Why hadn’t I ever thought of that?

Those are simplistic examples. But you get the picture. Pay attention. Listen. Watch. What if you adopted someone else’s point of view for a moment? How might that change your life?

I love mornings. Every day at 4:30, I wake up and can’t wait to get started. But before I pop out of bed like toast from the toaster, I take a moment to connect to myself and my spirit team.

The first thing I do is to consciously snuggle in. I notice how comfortable my bed is. The blankets are the perfect weight, the mattress the right firmness, and the pillows just the way I like them. It’s a moment of gratitude.

Next, I take my emotional and energetic temperature. Am I excited about the day ahead? Or anxious? If so, why? I may need to dig a little to see what’s troubling me before I’m even out of bed. I take note of what’s going on inside my head and remind myself that in this moment, everything is perfect.

Then it’s time to call in my spirit team.

Angels, spirit guides, and ancestors who work for my highest good, be with me today. Guard me, guide me, show me your love. Spirit may your will be done. Thank you.

I invite them in to remind both myself and them that we work best together. Their purpose is to help me and my purpose is to accomplish what I came to this life to do.

As I get out of bed, I say, “Today is going to be a great day!” This is something I learned from reading BJ Fogg’s book, Tiny Habits. He calls it the “Maui habit.” It’s a simple affirmation that sets the tone for the day. A great day.

Then I’m off to make a cup of tea, pull a tarot card, and do all the NY Times puzzles (want to join my leaderboard? Send me a text or email.)

What’s your morning routine to ground yourself and connect with Spirit? Maybe you meditate, pray, say an affirmation, or journal.

Or maybe you’re not a morning person and reading that I get up at 4:30 made you groan out loud. Do you have any nighttime rituals to help you reflect, ground you, and get you ready for a good night’s sleep?

Whether you prefer to connect with yourself and Spirit first thing in the morning or last thing at night doesn’t matter. What’s important is checking in to make sure you’re getting the spiritual support you need as you co-create your best life.

My friend Ash asked the best question the other day.

If you could go back in time, without changing anything, what five minutes would you choose?

Our friend group is called the Caftan Gals, and we get together once a month to sit in a sauna and gab. This question gave us so much to talk about.

The reason I love this is that it cuts through so much of the background noise. What I mean is there are rarely moments when we have pure bliss. Joy comes in sparkling flashes. I can think of very few moments when I was exactly where I wanted to be and nothing was bothering me.

Here’s what I mean. There was the moment when I held each of my children for the first time. I remember the feeling of overwhelming love for the child I had waited so long to meet. I also remember being exhausted by fifty-four hours of labor with my son and sheer terror as I saw blood spray the ceiling with my daughter (they forgot to clamp my end of the umbilical cord, but I didn’t know that. I thought I was hemorrhaging and about to die.)

Bliss? Yes. Nothing but bliss? Nope. So maybe I’d choose those five minutes. But the rule is that you can’t change anything. So maybe not.

What I finally settled on, after a bit of thought, was when my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved in together in college. We had a lovely apartment with leaded-glass doors and beautiful woodwork. It was definitely not student housing. I had a great job as a cook at a fancy restaurant. I was on my way to my goal of speaking seven languages, taking Spanish, French, and Japanese. And, most of all, I was so in love with him. I had it all. I felt like I was breathing sunshine.

What about you? What five minutes would you relive? You don’t have to choose just one time. Perhaps there are a dozen or more times you’d willingly go back to. And maybe, unlike me, you’d choose something sad, like the last time you saw a beloved parent or grandparent. Or a time that was difficult, but you persevered and won in the end.

What does the time you chose tell you about yourself and what you value?

We create our own experience.

That can be a difficult truth to accept.

But when we take responsibility for our part in creating our experience, we take hold of our power.

Here’s the first question to ask yourself:

What do I find difficult in my life?

It might be a person or a situation. Think about what’s troubling you, especially something that you’ve found difficult for a long time.

The next question is where it gets tricky. You may not like it.

What payoff or benefit do I get for keeping things the way they are?

For example, if you never finish your paperwork and you bring it home to do on the weekends and still never get to it, why? What’s the benefit? It might be because one of your parents always berated you and you’ve integrated that into your personality. You don’t know who you’d be without someone berating you. Never keeping up with your paperwork keeps that familiar voice in your head, whether it’s your boss’s or your own. You may think that’s not a benefit, but you’d be underestimating how much we love what’s familiar.

Next question: What costs do I pay for keeping it like it is?

It might be the same as the payoff. You always have a voice berating you, as in the above example. But the cost in this case is that you also aren’t enjoying your weekend and you’re dreading Monday morning.

Once you’ve answered those questions, which is no easy task, go on to ask yourself:

How am I creating or allowing this?

What am I pretending to not know?

What do I really want?

What actions can I take to get what I really want?

And, most importantly, When will I do that?

Because, after all is said and done, more is said than is ever done. Put the actions on your calendar. Ask someone you trust for help.

To put a twist on a popular phrase, be the change you want to see in yourself.

I have collected a lot of tarot and oracle decks. Some are good for everyday use, questions like Who should I be today? Others are better at helping me work through deeper issues, like How can I be more of a spiritual rebel? One thing most of my decks have in common is that they’re affirming and uplifting. They have messages such as You are so loved by Spirit or You are worthy. You can do it! Don’t get me wrong, I love having a cheerleader in my life, but there are times when I need to confront my shadow. Shadow work is a psychological practice from Carl Jung, designed to identify and integrate the shadow self—the hidden, repressed, or darker parts of our personality, such as anger, jealousy, or fear. By bringing these unconscious aspects into consciousness, we can reduce self-sabotage, heal emotional wounds, and achieve greater self-acceptance. Who doesn’t want that? The problem is that the shadow likes to stay hidden. That’s where a darker oracle deck comes in handy. Two of my favorites are Dark Magick Oracle, and my newest deck, the Dark Moon Oracle. An example of a card from Dark Magick is Bats. It asks this question: What is the greater mind crime: you driving yourself nuts, or the reason that put you there in the first place? There is a section called Shadow Work for each card. This one has a ritual for restoring mental peace. There is also a Daily Practice section. In this case, carry some green or purple fluorite for balance, drink passionflower tea for a peaceful mind, and make a vial of clary sage and lavender essential oil to inhale when your mind starts racing with stress and worry. In the Dark Moon deck, we have the card Overcritical. It asks if you’ve let attention to detail turn into a pursuit of perfection. It says that nitpicking is a way to deflect attention from your own shortcomings. It then has some suggestions for overcoming your overcritical side. I also have the Rebel Deck. It has no filter and gives no F’s. It has messages like, Get your head out of your ass. Pronto. And, Stop trying to change people. That shit never works. As well as, The world needs your power. Use your voice. Just don’t use it for dumb shit. Sage advice. *A long time ago, back when Jesus was a cowboy, there was a radio program called The Shadow. Its opening line was “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!”

Not too long ago, I was working with Mary, a nice young gal about my age.

“I see water,” I said. “Not like a body of water, but a table with cups, like for tea.”

She told me she was going to a weekend-long seminar. There would probably be something set up like that. I pulled a tarot card for her. It was the Ace of Cups. That confirmed the cups part of what I was seeing, literally. The suit of Cups represents, among other things, love. Mary had never been married. And that was something she longed for. I told her that if there was a man she found interesting, she should make sure to talk to him.

“No,” she said. Um, why not? “Because I want him to chase me.”

We miss out on 100% of the opportunities we say no to.

And then there’s Kaye. A friend of hers invited her to go on a cruise. Even though Kaye thought, I’m not really a cruise person, she said yes. And she loved it.

The aces in tarot are about opportunity. Potential. They are something that is being offered: love for Cups, ideas for the suit of Swords, money for Pentacles, and creativity for Wands.

Look at the cards above. Each one shows a hand coming out of the air with a gift. We have to accept the gift and then do something with it.

It’s up to us to harness that potential, to grab onto what is being presented and do something with it.

We may have the perfect idea for a best-seller, but if we put off writing, it’s worthless. Our money can’t grow if we don’t invest it. We’ll never know if we liked the job if we don’t accept the offer. And Mary will never know if the man by the tea at the seminar was her person because she didn’t want to make the first move by saying hi.

This week, be more Kaye and less Mary. Say yes. You can always change your mind later. Carpe diem. Take the seed that’s being offered and water the hell out of it.

I recently read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Ok, full disclosure, I started it. I couldn’t finish it. In fact, it kind of pissed me off.

Which reminded me of something my friend Michelle sent me on Instagram. It’s a reel of a man named Michael Hunter (@upspiral.life on Instagram) giving the secret hack for when someone pisses you off. He says, “Someone pissed you off. They really did something dumb and they deserved it. However, if you’re pissed off, it means that you’re pissoffable. You’re the problem.” (I’m paraphrasing.)

That’s the first step—to realize that you’re pissoffable. The second step is to change your internal state. If you’re pissoffable, it means your buttons can be pushed. It means you have big shiny buttons that anyone can push. They’re there for anyone to push.

The most powerful person in a room isn’t the loudest, it’s the most regulated person. The most regulated person in the room holds the room.

He goes on to say that becoming the most powerful person in the room is easy. Before you go into a situation with someone you know pushes your buttons, place your hand on your heart center and hold it there for five seconds. This is going to calm your vagus nerve and send a signal to your brain that says, we’re safe, we’re steady. Your heart rate will calm. Your threat response will drop and your prefrontal cortex (the adult inside you) will return to being active and accessible.

When you do that, no one can push your big shiny buttons. That person who gets your goat no longer gets your goat.

Ok, I’ll give Mel Robbins her due here. You can let that person be them. But only because you’re in control of yourself energetically and neurologically.

You can’t control the button pushers, but you can control you.

If you’ve joined me on one of my Wednesday Facebook Lives, you may have seen me leading the group in tapping the heart center, right where the thymus gland is. It’s a fast, easy, and powerful way to calm an overstimulated nervous system.

But if, like me, you can be pissoffable, you might want to try holding (or tapping) any time you know you’re going to be in a situation where your big, shiny buttons are on display for anyone to push.

I’ve had a tarot card stalking me lately. The Chariot has come up several times in recent weeks.

The Chariot is a major arcana card, which means it deals with big life lessons rather than day-to-day matters. The basic meaning of the card centers around determination and willpower.

The picture above is from the Light Seer’s Tarot. I like this deck’s version because we can clearly see that the driver is controlling the horses without any reins. In fact, they’re not even attached to the caravan. He is using the power of his thoughts to steer.

One horse is white and the other black. We have to make decisions about the best path forward. We often feel pulled in different directions. It’s like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. They can be logic and emotions. Needs and wants. Or the short term versus the long term. The dilemma is how to coax both “horses” toward the same goal.

There’s so much going on in this card that I love. The horses look wild and powerful. The driver isn’t sitting comfortably; he’s squatting on the roof looking at where he’s headed. There’s magic surrounding everything.

What’s the lesson here? For me, it’s deciding where I’m going next in life. I’ve been coasting spiritually. I’m spending too much time doing what’s right for the group (family in all its permutations) and not enough doing what’s best for me. I’m frequently frazzled and not doing the things that recharge me, like exercising, meditating, and just being by myself. How can I take inspired action to find balance? I love spending time with everyone. I don’t enjoy feeling burnt out.

The Chariot is advising me to decide what I want my life to look like and then control my inner and outer worlds. That, of course, is easier said than done, which is why this card is one of the major arcana, the big life lessons. But if I don’t control my life, others will. Those horses will run off in opposite directions, my “chariot” will either flip over or crash into something and nothing good will come of it.

We are the ones who choose who we want to be. And once we do, we should run toward that goal with conviction and consistent motion.

I was at the Costco optical department, and it felt like Mercury had busted a move and gone prematurely retrograde. They weren’t sure if they could put lenses in the frames I brought. The woman helping me, Jaclyn, couldn’t log on to the computer. Once in, she couldn’t find my insurance information.

Delays like that normally drive me crazy.

But I was having so much fun with Jaclyn. We were telling each other funny stories, laughing so hard we were crying.

As we were finishing up, she told me that when she shops, she likes to walk up and down each aisle of a store. It’s rare that I start spouting woo to strangers, but my intuition told me to say, “That’s Manifesting 101—looking at everything that’s available to you.”

“Why did you just say manifesting?” she asked.

Again, I don’t typically tell strangers I’m psychic, but it felt right. “Because I’m psychic,” I said.

Jaclyn pulled up her sleeve and showed me her tattoo. MANIFEST.

You can’t make this shit up.

I handed her my business card. She promised to book a session with me.

Magic, even miracles, are ours when we listen to our inner voice, when we follow that gut feeling. And every time we do, we strengthen our intuition muscle. It grows stronger and more accurate every time we use it.

Even if I never hear from Jaclyn, she and I both got strong validation that synchronicity is real; that we’re all connected. And we had a good laugh.