Do I talk to myself? Of course I do. We all do. When you swear at the jerk who cut you off in traffic (“Hey, a$$hole, is it turn signal-optional day?!”), you don’t think he can hear you, do you?
Some people talk to themselves more than others. Only children, for example. Oldest siblings, too (we also tend to have imaginary friends more often, which can look like we’re talking to ourselves 😉). Older adults also talk to themselves because they are less likely to care what others think of them (me every week in the grocery store). People who live alone chit-chat to themselves to keep themselves company.
It doesn’t matter if you do; it’s perfectly normal. What matters is how you talk to yourself.
You might mutter to yourself when you’re annoyed, hoping your spouse will hear and ask if you want to talk about it. Or you might beat yourself up out loud. “Why did you do that? Idiot!” These are (obviously) not productive uses of what’s known as external self-talk or private speech.
Gary Lupyan, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison (shout out to my alma mater!) has researched self-talk. He says that it facilitates problem-solving and helps you perform tasks such as searching for an object (“Where did I leave my damn keys?). It keeps you focused, especially in a situation that requires a lot of different steps because speech is linear and thoughts typically aren’t.
Studies have found many benefits such as letting off steam, making sense of that big jumble of thoughts, and self-soothing.
Two uses you may not have thought of for self-talk are canceling negative thinking and giving yourself a mini pep talk.
I took a class with tarot and angel expert Radleigh Valentine where he told us to say out loud, “Stop. Cancel. Delete.” when a negative thought enters our head. This technique keeps our attitude positive and maintains a flow of beneficial energy to and from us.
You can also be your own wise coach. You can tell yourself something simple like, “You got this!” or use an affirmation, “I have everything I need to get through this.” Or “This isn’t going to last forever. I can feel unpleasant and safe at the same time.”
The biggest benefit? Self-talk allows you to feel seen by yourself. And when that happens, you can allow others to see you.
