I was at a bar, waiting for my date to arrive, and he was late. I looked at my watch and decided five minutes wasn’t so late; I could wait a little longer. This was before cellphones, so I couldn’t text him to see where he was. Five minutes became ten, which became fifteen. I wasn’t worried that something had happened to him, I was angry that he valued me and my time so little. I decided to wait just a little longer and then I’d leave. Which I did. And I was fuming.
These days, everyone has a cellphone, and I still get angry when someone is late. I’m glad I’m not a worrier, concerned that the person who’s late was in an accident. But I sometimes wish I were the kind of person who said, Oh, that’s just Emma! She always runs a little behind.
How about you? How do you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic or refuses to let you merge? What does the voice in your head say when a server or salesperson is rude to you? How do you react when someone interrupts you or gives you unsolicited advice?
We can’t control other people’s behavior. We can only control how we react to them. And I think we forget that. I know I do, especially in the moment.
From a spiritual perspective, irritation can be an important teacher. It’s impressive when we’re able to remain centered and calm when we’re uncomfortable. It’s easy to be Zen when everything is to our liking, but how often does that happen? There will always be people and circumstances outside our control.
The goal of spiritual growth is not to learn to control our environment. That’s an ego-driven goal. Sure, we can have some say in how our reality unfolds. There are plenty of spiritual tricks for doing just that. But when we choose to react to irritation with detachment, calm, or even compassion, we can see our progress. Mastering our internal reality means we’ve become masters of our lives.
Fortunately, life offers an abundance of opportunities to practice and cultivate patience, tolerance, and acceptance. Which means we have plenty of chances to grow.