but you don’t have to give it to them
,
Have you ever met someone and immediately knew you couldn’t stand them? Or maybe you didn’t meet them, you saw or heard them and knew.
My husband and I were on a cruise because I am lucky enough to be married to someone who is lucky enough to have worked for Oprah. She took her entire staff to the Mediterranean for the trip of a lifetime. There were fantastic restaurants onboard, parties in Barcelona and Istanbul, shore excursions, more than I ever could have imagined…
…and that one person who sucks the joy out of the moment by simply being in the same room as me.
What was it about her that got up my sleeve so fast?
I was talking to a fellow passenger about it, a woman named Donette, who beautifully embodied spirituality. I was griping, but also hoping she could give me some perspective if not a solution. I wanted to enjoy every moment of this wonderful vacation.
Donette said that what we dislike in others are the qualities we dislike in ourselves.
Am I loud? Do I say stupid things?
Um, sure, I guess, sometimes. I have a big laugh. And I look back on conversations from time to time and cringe. Don’t we all?
What Donette said never sat right with me.
I think it’s more likely that it’s not the traits that we have that repel us but rather traits we’re afraid we have. It’s not recognition but fear that drives us away.
Our inclination is to distance ourselves from these individuals, and that may be the best thing to do if possible. Then we can examine our feelings and confront internal issues in private. But what if we are forced to spend time with people who rub us the wrong way, say at work or on a two-week cruise?
We can call on our compassion. We can remember that although we don’t get to choose the challenges that come up in our lives, we do get to choose the way we meet and face those challenges. We choose how we respond.
We can consider our annoyance rationally, look for its root. Ask yourself if its their voice (breathy-baby voice) or speech pattern (not enunciating or a heavy regional accent) that makes you cringe. Are they deliberately unaware (racist or sexist jokes, for example)? Do they threaten your way of thinking (politically, spiritually, or otherwise)? Or maybe their world seems to work in a way that is incomprehensible to you (Who the hell does he think he is?). Is your irritation rooted in your childhood? A previous relationship?
Ask yourself why your reaction to this person is so loaded. Where are these with strong emotions coming from? Could it be that you fear you might come off the same way? And why would that be so bad?
I feel more shadow work coming on.
There’s nothing wrong with being incompatible with someone. But understanding our reaction is the key to coexisting with them. We may never like a certain person. They may always get our goat. But we don’t have to give it to them.