Dear Beautiful You,
You know that person you need to forgive? The time has come.
Don’t get me wrong—I get it. I was sexually abused by a relative when I was little. I was raped as a teenager. I had a boyfriend who tore our furniture apart, threw it at me piece by piece and then lit the apartment on fire.
And then there’s the asshole (now ex-asshole) who walked out on my daughter when her youngest was only eight weeks old.
So, yeah. I understand what it is to have lived through or witnessed an atrocious and life-altering act.
But refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
Instead, it’s poisoning your body. It may be migraines or constant inflammation in a joint. Maybe high blood pressure or a reduced immune system. It could be depression. But it is affecting your health. Don’t believe me? Google it.
Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning what they did. It doesn’t even mean you have to reconcile if you don’t want to.
What it does mean is leaving what happened in the past and moving forward. No longer ruminating. Letting go of the vengeful thoughts which, ultimately, are unproductive.
How, you ask?
Try having a series of imaginary conversations with this person while you drive.
Let them know exactly how you feel the first time or two. Look, mother fucker… Tell them in no uncertain terms how what they did has had adverse consequences for you and your relationships. Go ahead and scream. You’re alone in the car.
If I could kill you and make it look like an accident…
The next time you’re in the car, have the second conversation. List the negative implications of their action slightly more calmy. Continue with these imaginary heart-to-heart talks until you feel you’ve gotten it all out.
You can also write a series of letters that are never to be sent (and probably never to be re-read), but for most of us, writing requires more linear thought than talking. Besides, I like the imagery of leaving my emotional litter on the road for someone doing community service to clean up.
Remember, you’re not excusing, justifying, or minimizing what happened. You don’t have to let that person back into your life if you don’t want to. And if you do, it’s with your eyes open. There’s no need to trust them once they’ve shown you who they are.
You are doing this for yourself. It may benefit others in your life, but ultimately, it’s for you. And your physical and mental health.
Will it be easy? I’ll tell you from experience, no. And it may come up to be forgiven again in the future. Feelings are like that.
I hate to see you hurting, lovely you. There’s no hurry to let go of the hurt and anger. But I hope that eventually you’ll be able to.
Love,
