Today, I won’t be at Oktoberfest because I’m home trying not to be an albatross.
I’ll get to why, but first, a little backstory.
When I lived in Paris, I had a friend named Columbine. It seemed like she knew absolutely everyone. (She even took me to have tea with a French TV star once.) I hung out with her and her group of friends a lot.
One day, I was at her place and the phone rang. She answered and gestured for me to pick up the little earpiece that was a feature of French phones back then. It was Philippe. “Est-ce que l’abatros est là?” he asked. Columbine said yes and I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the conversation because I was puzzling over what he had said. When Columbine hung up I asked her, “qu’est-ce que l’albatros?”
“The thing that won’t go away,” she replied. He had asked if the albatross was there. Oh. I’m the albatross.
This was just before my best friend back in the States wrote to tell me she didn’t want to be friends any longer because no one was going to ask her out if they thought I was going to tag along.
It appeared I wasn’t an albatross just in France.
Last week, I found out that not only did a friend forget to put our going to Oktoberfest together on her calendar, but that she has other plans—with the all the women in our group—except me. Ouch.
It’s amazing how something small can hook right into an old wound, tearing it open again. I had to remind myself to feel the fresh emotions and to leave the past in the past.
By being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we meet and face a challenge.
We can go out and buy a bag of salted caramels to try to avoid negative feelings (and boy, did I want to), or be gentle with ourselves, and know that healing will begin once we let the feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger, or even grief flow.
We can call someone who genuinely cares about us and give ourselves permission to talk about what hurts.
We can use an affirmation like I am loving, loveable, and loved.
And, when we’re ready, we can give ourselves permission to forgive.
In the meantime, I have a great idea for a Halloween costume.