About twenty-five years ago, I was engaged to a man who I had met at work. Our relationship progressed quickly. Too quickly. On our second date he was talking marriage and within a month he gave me an engagement ring. A month and a half after that, he moved in with me. We planned our wedding day for six months after our first date.

But as the day approached, his feet got cold and he postponed it. As we careened toward the second ceremony day, I should have noticed the things that were a little off, but in a relationship you have faith in each other. It doesn’t serve to lack trust or be paranoid.

He had a post office box, saying it was for his business—clients didn’t have confidence in a business with a residential address. I didn’t buy that for a second. How would a client know a residential address from one for business? I assumed he was writing to old girlfriends.

One day I answered the phone (back when there was only one phone per household!) and it was a moving company asking when they could come give an estimate. I told them we weren’t moving; they must have the wrong number.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when after those incidents and one or two others, he told me he was leaving me and moving the Texas. In two weeks.

My emotional shock became a physical force.

He was folding the laundry shortly after he announced his move and found a shirt he had given me cut in three or four places. He accused me of slicing into it, but I hadn’t. P.S. It was the only item in the load that was cut.

A few days later, we were watching TV. It made a popping sound and the screen went blank. We looked behind the television and there was a thick red liquid oozing out of the wall. It was definitely creepy.

The day after he left, my dad called and asked if I was all right. I hadn’t told my parents he was moving, and they never called just to check in, so it was odd. I asked my dad why he was asking and he said it was because of the message I had left on his machine. It said, “This is Toni. I’m hurt real bad. Call me,” in a little kid’s voice. It gave me the chills. I had not left that message.

For at least a year afterward, the ex-fiance wrote to ask how I did those things. Had I rigged something up? Worked with some voodoo woman?

The only explanation I have is that it was my energy gone haywire. If anyone has a better explanation, I’d love to hear it.

How do you feel about the supernatural? Have you ever lived with a poltergeist? Seen a ghost? Felt the presence of a loved one who has passed on?

The pandemic and sheltering in place has offered us opportunities to clear out our closets, basements, and attics, as well as a chance to unclutter our minds. As Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. COVID19 has given us ample time for examination and self-reflection, something we may only do around “odometer” birthdays or life-altering events.

What do you consider the pivotal moments in your life, the times of adjacent possibilities where you chose one path and not the other, forever changing your life? It might have been something as seemingly simple as trying a cigarette or as monumental as deciding to have children.

I found the end of the movie Sliding Doors comforting. It’s where we find the main character’s life turns out the same regardless of which “door” she chooses. But do we want our lives to be predetermined? Do we want an unseen hand not just guiding us, but forcing our way? Wouldn’t we prefer to be co-creators of our destiny?

In my own life, I sometimes wonder where I would be if I had gone to a different high school, the private school I wanted to attend. Would I have still gone to the same university? If so, I imagine my life would be pretty much the same as it is. What if I had gone to college in Boston instead of Madison? With that decision, I most likely would not have the same husband or children that I do. What were your crossroads? Do you wish yourself back, able to take the other path?

Not only is this an “odometer” year for me, but it seems lately I’m in a vortex of death. My mother-in-law died last year. My father-in-law has stage four lung cancer. We euthanized out dog, Lulu, in May, which was hard, as losing a pet always is. The death vortex reminded me of the other people and pets we’ve lost.

With that, my thoughts turned to my unborn children and how I had never taken the time to process my emotions about them. I don’t regret my decision. I’m pro-choice and abortion is not only legal, but good for society. What I found I regret is that I didn’t ask for support. I valued self-sufficiency and asking for help would have tarnished that image of myself. I was embarrassed that I had gotten pregnant. I felt it was a stupid thing for an intelligent young woman to have let happen. I barely told anyone and dealt with it in the most matter-of-fact manner. Would my friends have judged me? Not any true friend. I felt utterly alone and it was my own doing.

When we allow ourselves to objectively regard our mistakes, large and small, when we allow ourselves to consider regret, as opposed to being defensive or rationalizing the path we took, it shows we have humility. And that we are still capable of growth. The events of your life, whether they happened to you or by your choosing, make up the tapestry that is you. Reflect, unpack, declutter, and embrace your past.

Welcome to my site and my new blog! I am giddy with excitement and thrilled to be able to write with an authentic voice.

I’ve been a community minister for seventeen years, performing weddings, memorials, and baby blessings for people without a home church and while it has been fulfilling and delightful, I felt a need to hide my inner woo-woo. Well, not anymore!

Reading tarot and oracle cards for myself has guided me to re-create myself and offer my unique gift to others. Not that others don’t read cards, but we all have our own style. coupling energy clearing with card reading brings a new perspective to each.

I asked which animal is guiding me in these first few weeks of my new business and pulled Antelope Spirit. Life is speeding up! This card brings to mind the increased pace of my personal evolution. It is time to set my intentions and to act, a time to get moving, to step it up! What a wonderful message!