This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. That’s an odd expression, isn’t it? I can’t get up on the wrong side because there’s a wall there, but it’s not “got up,” it’s “woke up.” And trying to figure out what the hell that means isn’t improving my mood any.

There’s nothing too wrong. The pandemic has stolen joy from all of us—vacations, celebrations, get-togethers that didn’t happen. It’s put a low level of stress on each day, so the small annoyances that creep into our days feel pricklier.

I’d like to think that with all the spiritual work I’ve done, that I have the tools to dispel a lousy mood. But when I’m feeling like this, I resist doing anything about it.

I could meditate. But my brain would probably be noisy and I’d just become one with everything that’s wrong.

How about a bath with Himalayan salt? How about I don’t have the energy to dry off again?

It’s a beautiful day. Maybe a walk in the fresh air. Maybe I don’t feel like looking for my walking shoes.

Count my blessings? Sure right after I make a to-do list and grumble that I’m the only one who does anything around here.

I know if I try to work with an affirmation, I’ll say it in a mocking voice. Very enlightened. (Not.)

I can tell myself “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” but I know it’s the small stuff that becomes the big stuff, so maybe it’s better to sweat it.

I wasn’t surprised when I drew the 4 of Roses, Views of the Ego, reversed, today. Reversed, this card talks about a self-serving person’s behavior coming to an end; realizing that some lack in our own definition of self has attracted this person who is unable to give.

When I’m in a mood like this, it feels like everyone around me is unable to give. But I can see that what I need to do is become more aware of my priorities and take action that honors myself. If I feel neglected or minimized, that’s my fault, no one else’s. Any time I feel lack, it is a reminder to see my eternal truth in that moment. If the most I can manage is to thank the Universe for reminding me I feel an absence of something, so be it. Some days that’s the best I can manage.

If I can shut up the whiny voice in my head, I might try saying, “Abundance is the condition of my life.” If I can’t feel that one, maybe try, “Every day in every way my joyous prosperity grows and grows.”

Or maybe order a cake for this surprise pity party, one that says, “There, there” in pink frosting.

Every Sunday I pull three cards to show the over-arching energy of the coming week. This week’s cards included the three of swords, a card that represents emotional pain, sorrow, grief, heartbreak, disappointment, loss.

Does that mean this pain is fated?

I believe it’s a warning rather than a certainty. The three of swords is telling me to watch my words and actions so that I keep myself from heartache. It’s also cautioning me to avoid hurting someone else.

But I’ll admit, it has me slightly spooked.

We all want beautiful messages from the cards: your wish will come true, your twin flame will soon find you, the man with the suitcase full of money is about to knock on your door.

But we came here to learn and learning doesn’t occur when life is all rainbows and unicorns.

When I was a freshman in college, living in the dorms, the woman who lived at the end of the hall came back from class on day sobbing. She had gotten an A- on a test. Her life was ruined, she claimed. Without a 4.0 grade point average, her chances of getting her dream job were nil. You can’t get back to 4.0 after you’ve gotten even one A-. She was in anguish.

Two months before this, I had been raped. I would have given anything to trade places with the person whose idea of a ruined life was an A-. The lesson I learned as I watched the A- take down a fellow student was that the worst thing you had experienced was the worst things you knew. I felt a certain compassion for her. And for myself. We were on different paths that required different experiences and opportunities for growth.

The three of swords is a card from the minor arcana, which means the pain will pass. The clouds will lift and you will regain your perspective. Have faith.

So, what will I do this week? I’ll take care that my words and actions don’t wound another. I’ll try to remember that any pain or disappointment that comes my way won’t last forever. And I’ll find compassion for another should the pain befall them.

I bought a new deck lately, one my friend Marilyn calls a taroracle because it’s a hybrid. It’s the Akashic Tarot Oracle by Sharon Anne Klingler and Sandra Anne Taylor. It’s a beautiful deck with evocative art work. The minor arcana suits are realized as scrolls, roses, forces, and keys and the major arcana introduce unique topics like Adsum (I am here), Beith (birth) and Initiation & the Count St. Germaine, an ascended master who is new to me.

At first I was excited to work with this deck. The cards I pulled were on point. You can’t ask for more than that, can you? But after two weeks, I was ready to throw it out the window. How many times can I pull Adsum, On Track reversed, and Initiation & the Count St. Germaine? I haven’t pulled those cards exclusively; I did get Fated Meeting right before I got an email from an old boyfriend who I hadn’t heard from in about twenty years (yes, my eyes almost popped out of my head). And although I pulled Akashic Library twice, it’s such a fun card—it has you open a book to a random page and find the message waiting there for you—I didn’t mind. And I should say “random” in quotation marks because it’s a wonderful exercise in synchronicity.

Adsum is both a reminder to stay present and a message that Spirit is always with us, as are our guardians, guides, angels and ancestors. On Track reversed says that indecision or inertia is stalling an action. The Initiation card speaks to taking action, studying and meditating on lifting your service to the world and humankind. And it frustrates me because I thought I was staying present, working on taking action, and meditating on my purpose.

Obviously not enough. Spirit is trying to get my attention and has stopped being subtle.

I know getting the same cards repeatedly is common. What do you do when it happens to you? Do you pull a card for clarity? Say, “Oh, come on!” to your guides? Swear? Put that deck aside and start using a different one? I’ll admit to doing all those things at times. Sometimes I’ll ask a friend to pull for me, even though I know that’s verging on oracle abuse. But sometimes you want to say, “Not this lesson. Seriously. Not. This. Lesson.” Even though you know if you refuse to deal with it now, you’ll only have to deal with it later.

I am excited to announce my new business, Toni Maddi—Go With Your Heart!

Are you looking for a change? Is your life in a phase of transition? Together we can find the direction your heart and the Universe desire for you.

We will navigate this exciting (and maybe scary!) time using a unique combination of tarot and oracle cards, dream interpretation, Chinese medicine’s Nine Star Ki, energy clearing, and the Book of Destiny.

Tarot is system of divination using cards that originated in the fifteenth century, which makes it sound ancient and mystical. It is, but it’s so much more. Synchronicity and intuition create readings that are amazingly accurate. Oracle cards are based on the tarot model, but do not typically have suits.

Dream interpretation is both universal and individual. Your higher self, your guides, your angels and ancestors can use your dream life to send you messages, signs, and signals. By exploring the themes of your dream life, we’ll uncover deeply personal messages that lead to insight and clarity.

The Nine Star Ki is based in Chinese medicine and reveals your personality and you path for each year, based on a nine-year cycle. By knowing which year you are in, we will be able to create an action plan that will energy you.

The Book of Destiny is similar to the Nine Star Key, but breaks your year down even further, showing step by step what and who you can expect to enter your life.

Your soul has a plan. You came here for a reason. Let’s work together to discover that plan and reason so that you feel joyful and fulfilled every day.

Watch for the official launch for special offers and gifts!

About twenty-five years ago, I was engaged to a man who I had met at work. Our relationship progressed quickly. Too quickly. On our second date he was talking marriage and within a month he gave me an engagement ring. A month and a half after that, he moved in with me. We planned our wedding day for six months after our first date.

But as the day approached, his feet got cold and he postponed it. As we careened toward the second ceremony day, I should have noticed the things that were a little off, but in a relationship you have faith in each other. It doesn’t serve to lack trust or be paranoid.

He had a post office box, saying it was for his business—clients didn’t have confidence in a business with a residential address. I didn’t buy that for a second. How would a client know a residential address from one for business? I assumed he was writing to old girlfriends.

One day I answered the phone (back when there was only one phone per household!) and it was a moving company asking when they could come give an estimate. I told them we weren’t moving; they must have the wrong number.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when after those incidents and one or two others, he told me he was leaving me and moving the Texas. In two weeks.

My emotional shock became a physical force.

He was folding the laundry shortly after he announced his move and found a shirt he had given me cut in three or four places. He accused me of slicing into it, but I hadn’t. P.S. It was the only item in the load that was cut.

A few days later, we were watching TV. It made a popping sound and the screen went blank. We looked behind the television and there was a thick red liquid oozing out of the wall. It was definitely creepy.

The day after he left, my dad called and asked if I was all right. I hadn’t told my parents he was moving, and they never called just to check in, so it was odd. I asked my dad why he was asking and he said it was because of the message I had left on his machine. It said, “This is Toni. I’m hurt real bad. Call me,” in a little kid’s voice. It gave me the chills. I had not left that message.

For at least a year afterward, the ex-fiance wrote to ask how I did those things. Had I rigged something up? Worked with some voodoo woman?

The only explanation I have is that it was my energy gone haywire. If anyone has a better explanation, I’d love to hear it.

How do you feel about the supernatural? Have you ever lived with a poltergeist? Seen a ghost? Felt the presence of a loved one who has passed on?

The pandemic and sheltering in place has offered us opportunities to clear out our closets, basements, and attics, as well as a chance to unclutter our minds. As Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. COVID19 has given us ample time for examination and self-reflection, something we may only do around “odometer” birthdays or life-altering events.

What do you consider the pivotal moments in your life, the times of adjacent possibilities where you chose one path and not the other, forever changing your life? It might have been something as seemingly simple as trying a cigarette or as monumental as deciding to have children.

I found the end of the movie Sliding Doors comforting. It’s where we find the main character’s life turns out the same regardless of which “door” she chooses. But do we want our lives to be predetermined? Do we want an unseen hand not just guiding us, but forcing our way? Wouldn’t we prefer to be co-creators of our destiny?

In my own life, I sometimes wonder where I would be if I had gone to a different high school, the private school I wanted to attend. Would I have still gone to the same university? If so, I imagine my life would be pretty much the same as it is. What if I had gone to college in Boston instead of Madison? With that decision, I most likely would not have the same husband or children that I do. What were your crossroads? Do you wish yourself back, able to take the other path?

Not only is this an “odometer” year for me, but it seems lately I’m in a vortex of death. My mother-in-law died last year. My father-in-law has stage four lung cancer. We euthanized out dog, Lulu, in May, which was hard, as losing a pet always is. The death vortex reminded me of the other people and pets we’ve lost.

With that, my thoughts turned to my unborn children and how I had never taken the time to process my emotions about them. I don’t regret my decision. I’m pro-choice and abortion is not only legal, but good for society. What I found I regret is that I didn’t ask for support. I valued self-sufficiency and asking for help would have tarnished that image of myself. I was embarrassed that I had gotten pregnant. I felt it was a stupid thing for an intelligent young woman to have let happen. I barely told anyone and dealt with it in the most matter-of-fact manner. Would my friends have judged me? Not any true friend. I felt utterly alone and it was my own doing.

When we allow ourselves to objectively regard our mistakes, large and small, when we allow ourselves to consider regret, as opposed to being defensive or rationalizing the path we took, it shows we have humility. And that we are still capable of growth. The events of your life, whether they happened to you or by your choosing, make up the tapestry that is you. Reflect, unpack, declutter, and embrace your past.

Welcome to my site and my new blog! I am giddy with excitement and thrilled to be able to write with an authentic voice.

I’ve been a community minister for seventeen years, performing weddings, memorials, and baby blessings for people without a home church and while it has been fulfilling and delightful, I felt a need to hide my inner woo-woo. Well, not anymore!

Reading tarot and oracle cards for myself has guided me to re-create myself and offer my unique gift to others. Not that others don’t read cards, but we all have our own style. coupling energy clearing with card reading brings a new perspective to each.

I asked which animal is guiding me in these first few weeks of my new business and pulled Antelope Spirit. Life is speeding up! This card brings to mind the increased pace of my personal evolution. It is time to set my intentions and to act, a time to get moving, to step it up! What a wonderful message!